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More crazy-ass stories in the news

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya………..

There’s some news stories coming out in the last few days that are of the variety that just make you shake your head. Could the Mayans be right? Is the world coming to an end in just over 1000 days? If we all keep acting like this, something has gotta give.

Apparently there’s a new book coming out on mediocre actor Warren Beatty. I never found him to be any sort of great thespian. Maybe I can name three movies by him: Heaven Can Wait, Dick Tracy, and Ishtar.

Holy shit !! When I typed that, I really didn’t think I could. But there ya go. They all sucked pretty much. But someone has deemed him worthy of a book and the word is that his celebrated sex life is even more celebrated than we might have thought. According to the book, he’s slept with upwards of 12, 775 women. Now that’s a pretty precise number, don’t ya think? Is this one of those guys who literally has notches on his bedpost that we can count? If it’s true, then I tip my hat to him. And I’ll flip for a shot of penicillin for him too.

That’s an impressive number. It puts him right up there with Paul Stanley of KISS. But nowhere near the record of 20,000 by Wilt Chamberlain. At least that’s the unofficial record. And people thought Tiger Woods was some sort of stud. Not.

Then we have news that there was a third party crasher at the White House dinner bash a little while back. The exact same party as the couple who got caught sneaking in. Jesus Christ……I remember being turned away from one or two parties in high school because the bashes were too big to let anyone else in. And I was a pretty popular guy (at least in my own mind). But it looks like all you need is a rented tux and some balls and you’re partying with Barack and Michelle. Throwing down kamikazees and playing quarters with Hillary Clinton, Tony Blair, and Colin Powell.

Give it a couple more weeks and they’ll be telling us that there were more people there the Obamas didn’t know versus those they did. You gotta hand it to those Secret Service guys. About the only ones who seemingly weren’t at that bash are Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Then we have the two jackasses in the NBA who pulled guns on each other in the locker room. It seems that Gilbert Arenas, he of the recently signed $111 million dollar contract, wouldn’t pay up on a bet of some sort that amounted to around $500. So when he was confronted for the money by his teammmate, a heated argument ensued. Both guys grabbed their guns from their lockers. Now I expect this sort of thing in the NFL. But with football foul-up Plaxico Burress cooling off in the slammer, someone had to pick up the torch of waving around gats and acting like idiots.

Gilbert Arenas claims it “was a joke gone bad”. Hey, I’ve had a gun pointed at me before and I wasn’t smiling when it happened. The real funny thing is that if he is charged with any sort of felony for unlicensed weapons or pointing it with intent (or whatever)……the Washington Wizards can cite a clause in his new contract and cancel the remainder of Arenas’ deal. He’d be out around $100 million dollars over a $500 disagreement. And he could wind up as Plaxico’s “cellie”. Nice joke there, slappy.

Is everybody losing their damn mind as we get closer to 12/21/2012 ???

Have you caught up with these ads on TV yet where Taco Bell is trying to push their food as a dietary aid? It looks like they’re trying to get on the Subway / Jared bandwagon. They’re claiming they have a selection of low-cal options that can help keep you from getting fat while still pigging out on Taco Bell food. There’s a couple of things wrong with this. For one, every option on the Taco Bell menu is the same damn thing with a different name. Isn’t it? They just take one ingredient out of one item and insert more cheese or zesty hot sauce and call it something else. Plus, I and everyone I know hates Jared and those friggin’ ads for Subway. Somebody give that dude a royal ass-kicking already, will ya?

But if Taco Bell wants to play that game, fine let’s play. Throw me six figures to do a series of ads and I’ll lose 40-50 lbs to make it look good. It’ll be thru exercise and salads, but I’ll get on the tube and claim I eat their low-cal options. I actually like Taco Bell food and eat there somewhat frequently. That’s also why I look more like Jack Black than Terrell Owens.

Finally, we have a woman in Ohio who punched thru a McDonalds drive-thru window because they didn’t have chicken McNuggets available. I mean….are we serious? For real? Those things taste like ass. She had to actually be treated for injuries to her hand before the cops could complete the arrest.

I’m telling you the world is going nuts. On 12/21/09, you could say there was exactly three years to go if the Mayan’s calendar predicting the end of the world is correct. And according to my calculator, 365 x 3 = 1095 days to go. Factor in one more for the extra Leap Year day in February 2012. So around April of this year, we should be right around the 1000 days-to-go-mark.

But the way everyone is acting so goofy, I think we should maybe just cut to the chase here. Let’s turn out the lights right now and call it a millenium. Or at the very least……

…disband the Secret Service, throw Gilbert Arenas and his playmate in jail, force McDonalds to stop even offering McNuggets, and tell Taco Bell to stop trying to bullshit us.

Oh, and if he wants us to believe him, Warren Beatty better come up with some names and addresses besides Madonna and Annette Bening too.

And that’s the crazy-ass stories in the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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